Thursday, February 25, 2016

My Masonry is on Life Support

  It has been a very long time since I have updated this blog, and that is for more reasons then I really care to go into, the biggest of them was I had two major life altering events happen to me in 2015, my wife left me and divorced me and my mother passed away three months later.  2014 wasn’t much better as my then wife and I were trying to understand everything going on and the dissolving of our marriage; I had an absolute miserable experience that year as a Freemason.  As I was dealing with a marriage that was falling apart in front of me I also became subject to personal attacks by men who call themselves “Masons”.  This wasn’t some grand conspiracy, but rather a series of unfortunate events and it was always the same actors.  My character, my career and even my service to this country was attacked as I attempted to just complete and do my duty as an officer of my lodge.  I kept telling myself, it will get better, but it really didn’t.  I started to become one of those guys you read about on the internet.  Becoming jaded by the false promise of brotherhood, and the quality of men that were the most active in our fraternity, were sometimes the absolute worse as people both in character and in behavior.

    Things were getting better, but then the bottom fell out and my wife filed, we were divorced before I knew it and then my mother died. I fell into a depression that I just didn’t want to get out of bed, let alone go face the same people that seem to take such delight in my misery before all of this happen.  I didn’t want to read about Freemasonry anymore, I eschewed any symbols, references or ritual.  Lying in bed a “brother” texted me and wrote “You know you aren’t the first person to lose their mother”.  Thanks, that is what I call brotherly love.  I was sick all the time and just was in a funk I never felt before.  I honestly would have given up on Freemasonry, if it wasn’t for being in offices and having a strong enough sense of duty to do what I needed to do, to fulfill my obligations.

     There is a saying in research “There is nothing dirtier then academic politics, because there is nothing to lose.”  The absolute same can be said about Freemasonry, my greatest rival/advisory at work has treated me with more respect and dignity then some Freemasons who call themselves brothers.  So now as I have licked my wounds for 8 months, and am starting to come out of my funk, I am trying to understand what role I should play in the future for our fraternity.  When I am done with my duties do I just fade away, do I run to the invitational bodies and be one of those guys that doesn’t support the blue lodges? 

     These are all questions I face right now as I try to figure out how to move forward, all I know is that my Freemasonry is on life support, and only I can choose to pull the plug.